Filling a space, not a hole

As I was watching a movie tonight -with my eyes often wandering up to Yummy's picture- I started thinking (my brain might be coming back! yay!)... I was wondering why I'm not a total wreck yet, why I'm not worrying about the TA's arriving, not worrying about leaving for China on September 14th or on October 5th (as there is a national holiday and it will be one or the other). I was thinking about the boards on RQ, and all the people who are next and how hard those last few weeks of waiting are. Don't get me wrong: I hated those last weeks! But The Wait, as long as it was, was never really too painful, except maybe for that awful 2-day referral batch a few months ago. And I started to wonder why I wasn't more impatient, why the craving for my baby was still such a soft and tender feeling.

The answer came pretty quickly: it's because Yummy will come and fulfill a space we made for her in our lives, not a hole. I've always wanted children, but also I've always known that I didn't "need" one. Over the years, and after being single for so long, I've learned to take care of my own needs. Then, I've learned to take care of mine and somebody else's. And together, we quickly decided that we wanted to add to our equation. At 41, I've spent more than enough time on myself, and I'm now ready to shift my focus towards the cutest baby ever. So even though I absolutely can't wait to board that plane, and ever more to land in Nanchang, even though I've started packing, this part of The Wait is not at all unpleasant. I still delight in looking at her picture, in staring at her eyes, in knowing that yes, it's her.

And I also know that by next week, that zen-like state might be completely shattered and I'll be moaning for my TA to arrive... Bring it on! The packing has begun! :o)